Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Which Came First? The Chicken or the Drunk?

Color me jaded, but when I first saw the headlines to this story, I thought there was a connection with the recent Chick-Fil-A attacks by liberals.

From information gleaned form the news stories, I was able to locate where the chicken houses most likely are on a Google map.

The fact that the incident happened in the People's Republic of Maryland, albeit just across the road from Delaware, only added to my scepticism. But I was wrong. It's just the story of a 21-year-old man who mistakenly entered a control house and shut of the power to three chicken houses, thus killing the occupant chickens. Nothing more than that. Nothing more to tell. Nothing to see folks, move along.

Well, that's not exactly true. Now, don't get me wrong, I do have sympathy for the poor owner who made the startling discovery on the morning of August 25. Can you imagine finding a drunken man who had stripped down to his skivvies and passed out in his own vomit on the floor of your control shed? Or did the owner first enter the chicken houses to discover the dead chickens before subsequently going to the control shed to ascertain what had happened to the controls? Either way, he was undoubtedly and rightfully PO'd.

The police report is typical of these kinds of incidents. The officer, Lieutenant Tim Robinson, tries to be objective in his description and not inject anything that smacks of humor or insensitivity. He does this quite effectively, stating that "almost the entire flock was found deceased." But you know he had to be thinking, "those poor suckers were dead as the raw chickens in the Chick-Fil-A cold storage." His report goes on to say,
When the property owner entered the control shed which controlled the power, he located an unknown male suspect passed out on the floor of the shed, clad only in a T-shirt and boxer shorts. This subject was also lying in a pool of his own urine. A strong odor of alcohol was coming from the subject.
Translation: " The owner found the stinking drunk SOB who had killed his chickens laying almost naked in the control shed. The dude was so drunk he had p*****d all over himself and stunk worse than the dead chickens he had recklessly slaughtered only hours before."

Then on the second page of the report Lt. Robinson includes a mugshot of the culprit. The shot is pretty benign -- a young kid with an obvious hangover. You know the officer had to be dying to put in a pictures that depicted what the owner really found in his shed that morning.

 Custom Urban Dictionary tshirt (light)
Maybe there is something that Chick-Fil-A conspiracy theory....

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